What to Do If Your Child Refuses Contact with the Other Parent

Whether you're newly separated or well-versed in co-parenting, you recognise the importance of sticking to your parenting agreement.

As important as it is to follow the plan you and your co-parent agreed upon or that was ordered by the court, it is possible for pitfalls to arise that interfere with your ability to follow it precisely.

One particular instance in which this can become challenging is if your child doesn't want to comply with your parenting time schedule and begins refusing to see their other parent.

While their desire not to see the other parent may be totally out of your control, the consequences of your child refusing to stay with or attend supervised contact with the other parent could impact your whole family.

What Makes a Child Not Want to Spend Time With a Parent? 

The reasons as to why your child is refusing contact with your co-parent are unique to your situation, but some causes might include:

• Your child is unhappy with the rules they must follow at your co-parent's house
• Your co-parent lives far away from their friends, school, activities, and other things they enjoy
• Your child and your co-parent disagree on a range of matters and frequently argue, straining their relationship
• Your child does not get along with your co-parent's new partner or other people living in their home

If your child is refusing contact with your co-parent due to a reason that directly concerns their safety, bring this to the attention of your lawyer or other legal professionals immediately.

If the reason does not directly impact their safety or well-being, your child should spend time with their other parent. In fact, missing out on their scheduled contact times could put your family in a tough position.

What to Do When Your Child is Refusing to Contact the Other Parent

If your child is refusing to spend time with or stay with their other parent, you have a responsibility to manage the situation as appropriately and positively as you can.

Notifying the Other Parent

Always keep in mind that your child missing scheduled contact with your co-parent could put you and your family in a legal bind. Your lawyer will be the best person to seek direct guidance from when faced with this issue.

In nearly any situation like this, properly notifying your co-parent and documenting what occurred is key. Notify your co-parent as soon as possible using a method of communication that can create real documentation of the incident and can prove precisely when you told your co-parent.

If using the OurFamilyWizard Calendar to track parenting time, you can create a journal entry to document changes to the regular parenting schedule such as scheduled contact that was missed.

Your entry can explain the incident and document what the change in plans will be such as where your child will be spending that time instead of attending scheduled contact with their other parent. It can be kept private for your own records or shared with your co-parent, your lawyer, or anyone else you are working with on OurFamilyWizard.

Encouraging Contact

Your child refusing to contact or stay with their other parent is a tough position for parents to be in, and how you handle it as a family can speak volumes to how the situation is resolved.

Remember your role as a parent

Keep in mind that you are the one calling the shots, not your child. Of course, this is a particularly emotional situation, and feelings of guilt could be influencing your decisions. But that doesn't reduce your responsibility towards your parenting agreement.

Thoughtfully consider your child's opinions, but remember that you are the one in charge. Promote the fact that both you and your co-parent love your child and that it's vital for them to spend time with each of you, even if they don't see it the same way.

Additionally, consider your own behaviour and how that could be influencing your child not to want to see their other parent. Badmouthing your co-parent in front of your child or interrogating your child about the other parent once they get home could influence your child's desire to attend scheduled contact.

Talk to your child about why they don't want to go

Try to get to the bottom of why your child doesn't want to spend time or stay with your co-parent. Let your child express their feelings to you without judgment. When it's your turn to respond, do so with kindness and understanding. Show them that you understand their concerns by considering those as a whole family.

Get your co-parent involved

Talk to your co-parent about what's going on, and work together to create a plan for handling the situation. Encouraging your co-parent to reach out to your child through phone calls or video chats can provide a way for them to connect with your child in a low-stress environment.

Depending on the situation, a family meeting may provide an excellent opportunity to address the issue as a group. You may also consider bringing a third-party neutral or mental health professional into the conversation, such as a family therapist or counsellor for your child.

Whether this person sees your family as a group or only your child, working with a professional could prove to be a big help.

Make parenting time transitions as smooth as possible

Before your child leaves to visit or stay for an extended time with your co-parent, make sure they have everything they need packed and ready to go. Keep the conversation positive when you and your child speak about your co-parent and the time they spend with your child, helping your child to look forward to that time instead of dread it.

During transition times, be sure to stay calm. Let your child know that you will miss them but that you want them to spend this time with their other parent. Keep transitions short, sweet, and reassuring.

No matter the reason as to why your child is refusing to spend time with their other parent, you must manage this situation in an appropriate, fair manner. It may take time to change your child's perspective, but do your best to keep a positive outlook on the situation.

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What to do when your child is refusing to visit the other parent

If your child refuses to spend time with their other parent, it's your responsibility to manage the situation. It's a tough role - you're not causing the problem, but it's still up to you to fix it. You have to convince a stubborn, emotional child to spend time with someone you might strongly dislike. (And that might be understating it.) 

It might be tempting to feel glad or justified. But this situation isn't good for your child. It's stressful, and in rare instances, it actually puts them in danger of spending more time with their other parent. If a judge doesn't see things your way, they might shift custody in the other direction. 

So here are a few tried-and-true ways you can cover yourself legally and encourage your child to see their other parent. 

Get your child into therapy

It’s very important to find a therapist who has experience with high-conflict divorce dynamics, Laurie recommends. (Check their websites, reviews, and bios on professional sites like Psychology Today.) 

The therapist should insist on seeing both parents first, often done in separate parent meetings. If the therapist hears only one parent’s story, they will be biased. 

If at all possible, parents should take turns bringing the child to therapy. With a chameleon child, the therapist can notice and point out, “When your Mom brings you to therapy, I hear a lot of negative things about your Dad. But when your Dad brings you, I hear negative things about your Mom.” The therapist can even observe interactions in the waiting room and get a clearer picture of the parent-child dynamics. 

Notify and involve the other parent

If your child refuses visitation, notify your co-parent as soon as possible. Use a method of communication that can document the incident and can prove when you told your co-parent.

In the OurFamilyWizard app, the Messages feature records timestamps when a message is sent and when it's first seen. Messages are permanent—you can't edit or delete them. 

In the Journal feature, you can create an entry to document any changes to the regular parenting schedule. Explain the incident and describe the change in plans. You can keep the entry private for your own records. Or you can share it with your co-parent, your attorney, or anyone else working with you on OurFamilyWizard.

If at all possible, try to have a real conversation with your co-parent about what’s going on. For example, maybe a teenager doesn’t want to switch houses right now because it’s finals week and they have too much going on. You can try saying, “I know things will get back to normal in the long run, but understanding the stress she’s under right now will go a long way towards her wanting to spend time with you.”

Of course, that’s not always effective. When there’s deep distrust between parents, everything you say may be automatically suspected (“You’re just trying to keep her from me”). But it’s worth a try, and if it’s on the record, the record will show that you tried. 

You can also encourage your co-parent to reach out to your child through phone calls or video calls—it’s a way to connect with your child in a low-stress environment.

Notify your attorney

If your child actually misses a visitation or scheduled parenting time, there could be legal consequences. Ask your attorney how you should handle it - it's different in different states and different situations.

Encourage your child to see their other parent

When your child refuses to visit or stay with their other parent, it puts you in a tough position. How you handle it as a family can speak volumes.

Remember your role as a parent

Keep in mind that you are the one making the decision, not your child. Of course, this is a particularly emotional situation, and feelings of guilt could be influencing your decisions. But that doesn't reduce your responsibility towards your Court Order or parenting agreement.

Thoughtfully consider your child's opinions, but remind your child or teen that both you and your co-parent love them, and it's vital to spend time with each of you.

Check your own behavior and make sure you’re not influencing your child to not want to see their other parent. Badmouthing your co-parent in front of your child or interrogating your child about the visitation once they get home could shape your child's perspective.

Talk to your child about why they don't want to go—and validate their feelings

Try to get to the bottom of why your child doesn't want to spend time or stay with your co-parent. Let your child express their feelings to you without judgment.

When it's your turn to respond, do so with kindness and understanding. Validate their feelings (without agreeing to do things their way):

“I know the back and forth can get really hard, can’t it?” 

“I know you really wanted to have a play date here tomorrow.” 

“I know you have a ton of homework and not a lot of time for moving houses.”

There’s a natural reluctance to shift where we are, Laurie says. Parents often don’t fully appreciate how hard it is to go back and forth and schlep all your stuff every week or every few days. “I hate the hassle and I just don’t want to go” is a pretty reasonable reaction—but they still have to go.

 Sometimes, in these conversations, new and concerning information comes out. If it does, call your attorney, but it can also help if you loop in your co-parent and address it calmly. “Yikes, this issue has come up, and our kid is really worried about it. Can you do anything to address it, or can we press pause on the parenting time schedule while we talk about it?” 

But if it’s not an issue of extreme distress or danger, the best you can do is listen calmly and respond with empathy.

“I’m sorry that we’ve created this situation where you have two homes. I get it that the burden of going back and forth is on you. At the same time, sweetheart, this is the deal. It’s hard, but your Dad/Mom and I have agreed that we want to share you. It’s a lucky thing that you have two parents who love you!”

If you absolutely can’t move the needle and you have to notify your co-parent that your child isn’t coming, you can say, “Our daughter just needs more time, and trust me, we’ll be working on it.”

Model confidence for your child 

Your child can borrow from your own confidence in their ability to cope, Laurie says. Try responding like this: “I get it, I’m sorry about how things are, AND I know that almost always, once you’ve gotten settled in, you find your groove! Plus, your Mom/Dad said that this week, you’re going to go to the zoo and have a soccer game against the Grizzlies.” Be realistic about your child’s feelings, but also uplift the situation in a matter-of-fact way. “Your ability to cope with challenge is amazing, and I see it growing all the time.”

Make parenting time transitions as smooth as possible

Transitions are tough, but there are practical ways to make it easier. Before your child leaves to visit or stay with your co-parent, make sure they have everything they need packed and ready to go. Especially for young children through the pre-teen years, you can pack for them to minimize their stress, pressure, and effort. 

Keep the conversation positive when you and your child speak about these visits. No matter how negatively you feel about your co-parent, don’t let that seep through. Help your child look forward to their other parent’s parenting time instead of dreading it.

During transition times, stay cool and calm around your co-parent. Let your child know that you will miss them, but you want them to spend this time with their other parent. Keep transitions short, sweet, and reassuring.

What to do if your child refuses visitation with you

Although it may be hard to believe, this situation presents as much of an opportunity as a problem, Laurie says. Maybe your co-parent was the more emotionally connected one because you worked more hours while they took care of things at home—and now it’s your chance to connect with your child on your own.

Whatever your previous situation was, you now have to do 100% of the practical care and emotional nurturing during your parenting time. That gives you a very real opportunity to step up and expand your parenting skill set.

Meanwhile, try not to take it personally. It’s such a complex issue, and it’s not automatically “your fault.” Instead of focusing on blame, focus on solutions.

Try to be a good listener, Laurie recommends. Acknowledge the difficulty of going back and forth and show empathy. Talk with your child to find out if you can make any adjustments to your lifestyle or activities to make spending time with you more comfortable. You might even hold your nose and see if you can learn from your co-parent, who might better understand your child emotionally. 

Last, I strongly recommend getting a child therapist involved. It’s not about establishing good parent v. bad parent; it’s about connecting or re-connecting with your child. A good therapist can help you get to the root of the lack of connection and then help you rebuild that connection until your relationship blossoms.
 

Children of divorce thrive when they have relationships with both parents

Children of divorce do best when they have substantial relationships with both parents. That doesn’t mean the child must have equal affection for both parents, or identify with each parent equally, but it does mean they are supported in maintaining relationships with both sides of the family. 

It may take time to change your child's perspective, but—if there’s no abuse or neglect—it’s crucial to keep working at it. Meanwhile, insist that the parenting time schedule is non-negotiable. Your child needs time with both parents.  

NOTE: Many state and federal laws use terms like ‘custody’ when referring to arrangements regarding parenting time and decision-making for a child. While this has been the case for many years, these are not the only terms currently used to refer to these topics.

Today, many family law practitioners and even laws within certain states use terms such as ‘parenting arrangements’ or ‘parenting responsibility,’ among others, when referring to matters surrounding legal and physical child custody. You will find these terms as well as custody used on the OurFamilyWizard website.